I am so very thankful for the little things in life. Sometimes life has to bring you to nothing, for you to appreciate anything. I now find myself being weird about being wasteful, because I was once went without a lot of things. I feel as though I’m turning into my mother!!? Shut the lights off when you leave a room, unplug things that aren’t being used, reroute the dryer vent inside in the winter to save on the heating bill. I find myself saying, “we didn’t NEED that..” “I don’t know why you bought that!” I once was very very very poor, and didn’t know where my next meal was going to come from, or how I was going to keep the lights on. So now, at this point in my life, I am ok. I don’t go without, but my fear of loosing it all again has prevented me from enjoying life’s blessings that are right in front of me. A, I don’t believe I deserve it, B. I know nothing in life is permanent, .. I don’t know how to relax. I feel as if the moment I relax, my world will fall down again and the struggle will start over, so I hesitate to let down my guard and enjoy today for what it is. PTSD? hmmm.. The thing that holds us back the most in life is fear. Fear is sin.
The constant struggle is exhausting. While the satire (which I call my life) continues on.. I have gained some ground. At times I’ve have doubt, and questioned where my life is headed, and why God didn’t leave me a handbook to make it through it. That being said, persistence and faith in God during the struggle does pay off! I got a job yesterday! After 50 job applications, 3 interviews, and 4 months of being unemployed, all my hard work has finally payed off. Had I rolled over and stopped trying none of his would have happened. It’s true, nothing in life that is worth a damn is ever easy. God has a plan for me, and though it was SO hard for me to be patient, and wait for my right opportunity, he has shown me now why patients is important. Through my bitterness, self doubt, fear, and anxiety, I’ve learned that there is no need for any of that. It only makes things worse. Be confident in him to solve the unsolvable, because with him we can achieve everything, and without him we can solve nothing. Thank you Lord, for molding me once again into the woman you want me to be. Lesson:patients is not so bad